The Official Rangers' Manual
by APrettyMess
Summary: What do you do when someone you know is within earshot of some private Ranger discussion? And what about those annoying Barons and Battlemasters? And the most awkward situation of all: an annoying colleaugue. MULTIPLE PAIRINGS. R&R.


Hello! This is my first fanfic, and I hope you guys enjoy it!

Gilan/OC :: T :: Romance/Humor :: R&R

Disclaimer: Not mine. Need I say more?

THE OFFICIAL RANGERS' MANUAL

**PREFACE:**

**Tired of having people listening in on your private Ranger conversation? Sick of having to kill or give away into slavery those thugs that somehow manage to slip past your precautions and learn ranger secrets?**

**Don't fret!**

**The Official Rangers' manual will help you solve all your problems and more! All you need is a brain, preferably a good one.**

**CHAPTER ONE: Annoying Eavesdroppers**

**Occasionally, you may find yourself in the situation in which you are listened on by people that you know in close vicinity, or a thug that just decided, "Hey! Let's go eavesdrop on that Ranger!"**

**And no matter how many precautions you take, such as checking the immediate area for any people that might overhear, sometimes there are still the awkward, annoying cases like Will Treaty's (Ranger 50) encounter with John Buttle. Please see circulated Macindaw Siege report for more details.**

**So what do you do then?**

**Usually, you could just kill the thug, or give him away into slavery, preferably to the Skandians. However, more awkwardness will ensue if it is someone you know? How do you send the person away without being rude? And after all, the more you tell them to go away, the more they want to stay with all their blabbering lies about how they won't tell anybody.**

**The key is to create a situation in which the person will feel uncomfortable and will want to run away from you themselves. Any situation will do, just get them out of there. **

**Another important tip on creating an uncomfortable situation: MAKE SURE IT'S SOMETHING SCANDALOUS.**

Okay, this was awkward.

Will, Gilan and Jenny (why was she even here?) were sitting on the polished hardwood floor in my cabin. "How is that awkward?" you ask.

Well, the former two were here for a discussion on how to stop the bandits that were cropping up around our respective fiefs, namely Redmont, Whitby and Blackwood. The third person, I have absolutely no idea. That makes it awkward, because now I cannot have a sensible, _private_ Ranger conversation.

Here's why it's super awkward (I really must stop using the word 'awkward'):

Jenny was now seated comfortably on Gilan's lap, stroking his face, and the idiot who had the nerve to bring her here was now enjoying her ministrations, looking in no condition to have an important talk on people-robbing, civilian-killing bandits.

Will was seated in the corner, twiddling his thumbs, head down. I'd never seen him this antsy before, he's usually very calm, like I am. And calm was not my current emotion. Both of us were impatient; a Ranger's patience can only go so far. We'd been sitting here for half an hour. HALF AN HOUR. Watching Jenny and Gil suck face.

From time to time, Will would look up at me and his eyes would ask, "Aren't we supposed to have a meeting? Why is Jenny here?"

I could only shake my head.

_I don't know._

Every five minutes or so, I would try to get Jenny to go out for half an hour, just so we could get this bandit business out of the way. Let's just say I failed.

One miserable try went like this:

"Jenny, really, could you just leave us alone for half an hour? Please?"

To that, I swear her eyes brimmed with tears (what a baby) and she clung even tighter to Gilan.

"You don't want me to go, do you? I promise I won't tell anybody about whatever it is that you guys are talking about," she whimpered to Gilan. I stared at him beseechingly.

_Oh please, please, please help me out here. Just for half an hour. You guys can go do whatever you guys want after that. Please…_

Apparently I really had to kneel and beg, because all he said was, "Look, Jenny…"

Argh! Are they trying to frustrate me to death?

Look, Jenny? What kind of convincing argument was that to get her to shut up and get lost? Damn. If this doesn't stop now, I swear I will pull all the hair off Jenny's head.

I was getting really fed up. People were being killed and robbed by bandits, for goodness' sake! Can't she understand that? Is it not important enough to merit a discussion?

And Gil! He wasn't even doing anything! He can't even control his girlfriend whom I hate because I kind of like him. How can he fight bandits when he can't even handle a plump chef three years his junior? How? HOW?

Oh. Did I just say I liked him? Shoot.

Figurative steam was (I hope it wasn't real steam) was pouring out of my ears, and I stood up decisively. This nonsense was going to end, and it was going to end _now_.

Grabbing Gilan by the arm and beckoning Will to follow me, I dragged them into the spare bedroom in my cabin, Jenny toppling out of the Official Ranger Idiot's lap.

I slammed the door shut, and told them, "Play along."

With that, I started purring (as in the sexy sort, not the cat sort), loud enough for Jenny to hear.

I heard her emit a squeal of terror. Good. Let her think whatever she wants on what was actually happening in here.

Fueled on by my victory, I started moaning and groaning. To which both boys stared at me like I was crazy, while Jenny emitted an "Eeek!" of, well, terror again.

I nudged Will and kicked Gilan in the shin. Thankfully he had the sense to keep his mouth shut and not cry out. They were supposed to play along! How would my master plan work any other way?

"You," I said, "can start saying Gil's name in the most seductive tone possible. Do it or I promise you and Alyss won't ever have any children." Will was totally bewildered, but thanks to my threat, he squeaked out loudly, "Gilan!"

Not exactly sexy, but it'll do. Although I'm wondering how he ever managed to get Alyss if that was how he seduced people.

"As for you, it's my name," I pointed at the other boy (maybe childish man would be better. Twenty-four year old male humans aren't exactly boys anymore), okay, childish man, who was of course Mr. totally Tousled-Haired Hottie Idiot Ranger of Whitby Fief.

Wait! Scratch the first four words! No, no, no, no!

"Huh?" he said a clueless look on his face. Makes you wonder how he ever got to be a Ranger, really.

Damn. He really was useless.

"Moan. My. Name." I growled the words out through gritted teeth.

And that's where the fun started.

I'd half-expected him to say no, and tell me I was crazy and ask what the heck I was doing.

Instead, he placed on of his hands on the small of my back, the other in my hair, and leaned me against the door.

He pressed me against him. This close, I could smell his scent, a delightful mix of mint and pine and rain and Gilan.

Whoa, girl. Hold the horses!

My head already dizzy, I felt a hot, wet mouth caress my ear and said mouth growled my name in the sexiest, possessive-est way possible.

Oh no. I was making up adjectives. This is bad, Alena. Really bad.

And what I did next was even worse. Amidst Jenny's squeals and Will's hopelessly un-seductive attempts to moan Gilan's name, I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulled him down, and kissed him. Hard.

If he smelled good, oh boy, did he taste even better!

I felt his hands roam under my shirt, stroking the skin on my stomach. Yay for having to stay fit! Ranger workouts rule (I used to hate them, but now I definitely don't. I'll gladly do a hundred crunches)! Especially when you end up with a flat, toned stomach!

I moaned softly as his tongue slipped into my mouth. And that's when Jenny cracked. I heard the front door open, and slam shut, the pitter-patter of footsteps fading.

Savoring his taste one last time, I gently broke the kiss off, and ran a hand through my now disheveled hair.

Will, the poor guy, was still squeaking, "Gil!"

Sighing, I said, "Will, you can stop now."

"Oh." He looked extremely relieved, and then asked incredulously, "What was that for?"

Taking the tone parents' used when talking to small children, I explained, "I wanted to get Jenny away."

"How does doing this achieve that?"

Gilan chuckled as I groaned in exasperation.

"As you can see, Will, no, actually hear, Jenny is no longer here. Therefore it means my plan worked. She probably thinks we were having a threesome or something."

Will exclaimed, "WHAT?"

And then, under his breath, "Alyss is gonna kill me. We were NOT having a threesome…"

Gilan chuckled some more.

Grinning, I slipped into Gilan's lap. After all, the Official Rangers' Manual did say to create a scandalous situation in which said non-Ranger person will run away.

My smile grew even wider when I felt his arms go around me and hold me against him.

"Now," I said, "back to business."

"Do you think we should collect intelligence on the bandits and head for their leader or should we just quell the attacks one by one?"

A/N: Please review! They really do make my day! Cookies for everyone who does! (::) Remember, reviews keep an author on track, give feedback and encouragement and basically make the author happier than anything. Constructive criticism is welcomed too, but no flames please. :)

NOTE: The bold text is the actual manual itself. Normal text is the rest of the story.


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